Life Lessons – Page 4

When Your Friend Has a Past … With Your Husband

When Your Friend Has a Past … With Your Husband @foxywinepocket #humor

Believe it or not, I am actually a bit shy and awkward in-person. No, really—I am. Especially in groups and with new people. So when we moved to California from Oregon, I worried not only about my kids making new friends, but about myself making new ones as well.

Fortunately schools are full of potential new friends for everyone. While waiting outside of my daughter’s classroom for pick-up one day, I met a really nice woman. Outgoing and friendly, she asked about my daughter’s backpack, and we talked about all of our kids. We even discovered our girls were at the same dance school. She seemed so easy-going and genuine. I liked her immediately.

So every day at pick-up, she and I would chat, even though I could never remember her name. (People should really wear name badges—it would make things so much easier for me.) We always waved to each other across campus. I was excited to have met a new friend.

And then came some rather shocking news.

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6 Lessons Learned from “That Guy” in College

By Foxy

Recently one of my college friends, Birdie (you know, Birdie of We-Had-Dinner-with-John-Waters fame?), came over for a visit. As we worked our way through a bottle of wine, we reminisced about old times, funny stories, and ridiculously stupid shit that we did witnessed in college.

As we were reliving the memories (and laughing so loudly my son came in to shush us), I decided these stories could serve as real-life cautionary tales for my own children. You know, for when I ~~kick them out of the house~~ help them transition to university life.

I’m going to entitle this learning series “Don’t Be That Guy.” Here are my first six pieces of advice:

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How to Win at Your Next Colonoscopy

By Foxy

So you need to have a camera shoved up your ass, huh? Don't despair--I’ve compiled a marvelous tip list for y’all so you can win at colonoscopies. @foxywinepocket #humor

So you need to have a camera shoved up your ass, huh? Don’t despair—it happens to all of us eventually. Whether you’re fifty, have a family history of something crappy, or have another ailment that requires you to have a colonoscopy earlier, it’s gonna happen.

As luck would have it, I just had one. As much as I wasn’t looking forward to the procedure, I approached it with the same attitude I do everything: “Crap. Do I HAVE to?!” “I’m going to rock this shit.”

And, because I’m nothing if not helpful, I’ve compiled a marvelous list for y’all so you can win at colonoscopies, too.

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8 Reasons Pit Bulls Are Better Than Most People

By Foxy

I get some mighty odd glares when walking my pit bull. No matter. I’d rather hang out with a pit bull than most people any day. Here’s why. @foxywinepocket

I do and say a lot of ridiculous things, and people don’t bat an eyelash. I walk my pit bull down the street, and I get the strangest looks I’ve ever seen. People look at me, then at my pit pull, then back at me with confusion, disgust, fear, or any mix of those.

Pit bulls get a bad rap, and they haven’t earned it. It’s the assholes who train pit bulls (and other breeds) to be aggressive that deserve the bad rap. Those are the ones that deserve the “looks” (and in many cases jail time).

But still, I get some mighty odd glares when walking my pit bull. No matter. I’d rather hang out with a pit bull than most people any day. Here’s why:

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Are You Playing Cards Against Humanity Correctly?

By Foxy

Are You Playing Cards Against Humanity Correctly? @foxywinepocket #iamahorribleperson #humor #notforeveryone

I am a horrible person.

How do I know? Because Cards Against Humanity is my absolute favorite game in the entire world, and it’s “a party game for horrible people.” IT SAYS SO RIGHT ON THE BOX. Ergo, I am a horrible person. But I’m okay with that.

Actually, I’m not much of a game player. I hate ugly competition and mind-numbing repetitive rounds of pointless ladder climbing, passing go and maybe collecting $200, and trying to remember where the frakking cherry card is. I. Hate. It. All. But I love Cards Against Humanity because it truly doesn’t matter who wins or loses. The end result is not the important part. It’s HOW you play the game.

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Foxy’s Rules of Engagement

By Foxy

“Lincoln Junk Shop – June 2013 – Family Rules” by Gareth Williams is licensed under CC BY 2.0. Cropped from original and added title graphic overlay.

So it was Penis Week last week on the blog. I swear I didn’t do that intentionally, but that’s how these things go sometimes. (My subconscious must be telling me something.) I talked about circumcision decisions and blowjobs and nuts. (And I told a lot of penis jokes.)

But, frankly, Penis Week brought out some dicks. I’m not going to name any names or point any fingers, but some unsavory behavior has occurred on and around my blog. People, you need to understand: this blog is my happy place. I want to laugh here. I want to make dick jokes. I want you to laugh here and make dick jokes.

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I Speaketh the Truth

By Foxy

You need to trust me on this one… I Speaketh the Truth

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8 Life Lessons from My Grandma

By Foxy

Last week, my Grandma gave me some delicious beans she had cooked up (she makes the best beans in the world, I kid you not). I placed them lovingly in an insulated bag and carefully positioned them in my car so they wouldn’t spill or be otherwise disturbed on my way home.

And then I found them yesterday. Still in the car, obviously ruined and fouling up my vehicle. This will forever be known as the Tragic Bean Incident of 2014.

I learned a valuable lesson the hard way. And it got me thinking about all of the other life lessons that my Grandma has taught me. ‘Cuz she is one amazing woman. Everyone should benefit from her wisdom, so I compiled a short (incomplete) list of life lessons that my Grandma has taught me and how she taught them to me.

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8 Reasons Every Family Should Have a Dog

By Foxy

I highly recommend having a dog as a sanity saver. Seriously, if you have kids and don’t already have a dog, go get one. Now. Right now. | @foxywinepocket | humor | babies | dogs

At the height of our baby-denial, my husband and I had four cats and two dogs. For the record, that’s a shit-ton of animals, and I wouldn’t recommend that strategy as a birth control method for anyone. That many animals is a lot of work. And money. And work. (It’s still not as much work or money as one kid though.)

All that being said, I would recommend getting a dog as a parental sanity saver. Seriously, if you have kids and don’t already have a dog, go get one. Now. Right now. Just one will do. Don’t go too crazy.

What?! You’re worried about the extra work? You’ve never had a dog? You’re a cat person? I promise you, a dog will make your life much easier. A dog will save your sanity. I have first-hand experience, and I’ve compiled a list of several reasons why you should get a dog:

When you’re feeding the baby, a dog is a great companion. A dog will lay by your feet while you nurse/bottle feed, even in the middle of the night. Or she will keep your spot on the bed warm. Our dog used to nudge me gently when the baby was crying to let me know it was time to feed the baby.
A dog needs exercise, so she will force you to take a walk everyday. Exercise and fresh air are so therapeutic for both you and the baby. They can help you get your body back in shape and fight the baby blues.
The dog won’t judge you when you pour another glass of wine and cry inconsolably wondering why in the world you ruined your perfect kid-free existence. The dog will simply lick up the crumbs from the cookies you shoved down your gullet trying to make yourself feel better.
When the dog starts sniffing wildly around the baby’s butt, you know it’s time to change the diaper. There is absolutely no need to put your own nose there or risk your fingers getting dirty by taking a peek. The dog knows. (And may eat the diaper if you’re not careful.)
Dogs genuinely appreciate every ounce of affection you give them, unlike those screaming, inconsolable, milk-sucking poop sacks.
Dogs clean up spilt milk (breast or formula—they don’t discriminate) and spit-up. Before you think, “ew, gross,” remember that you now don’t have to clean it up yourself. (As a bonus, if you have a cat, the dog will clean up cat puke—or “hot lunch” as we call it.)
Can’t figure out what that weird smell is? Don’t want to crawl around on the ground sniffing the carpet? If you have a dog, you don’t need to. Just set Fido free in your car or the kid’s room or your kitchen. This is not cruel—dogs actually like foul smells and will find the source of them in record time.
But—by far—the best reason to get a dog comes when your kids start to eat solids. Feeding babies solid foods is a fucking disaster—food gets everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Your child is a mini-Jackson Pollock, and the medium is food. THE DOG WILL CLEAN IT UP. (Just don’t let him eat grapes, onions, chocolate, or other poisonous foods for dogs.)

Seriously, I don’t actually know how parents survive the high-chair phase without a dog. Dogs will do all of the clean up for you. No sponges, brooms, or special floor mats are necessary. My dog was so efficient at cleaning the high-chair and the floor and the cabinets and the walls and the mini-blinds…

Heck, she even cleaned the baby. Now, you can skip bath time and go straight to the wine. Trust me, get a dog.

This post is dedicated to Brandy, the best dog ever. We were fortunate enough to share our lives with her for 12 years. And she basically raised our two children.

I highly recommend having a dog as a sanity saver. Seriously, if you have kids and don’t already have a dog, go get one. Now. Right now. | @foxywinepocket | humor | babies | dogs

Photo Credit: sinnawin / 123RF Stock Photo

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

The Birds and the Bees (and Crosses and Stones)

By Foxy

One day my daughter forced me to tell her about the birds and the bees. I appropriately horrified both her and my son. @foxywinepocket | humor

Every year about this time, when we’re busy thinking about crucifixion and resurrection and all that miraculous shit, I remember a little conversation I had with my daughter when she was in first grade. It was one of those conversations that catches you completely off guard. And, of course, it was one of those nights that my husband was out of town so I was on my own for this one.

Fortunately, there was wine.

Erin (timidly): “Mom, will I… will I die on the cross?”

Me (sympathetically): “Oh, honey. No. That’s a punishment they did a very long time ago. They don’t do that anymore.”

Erin (clearly relieved): “Oh! Great. Just like I won’t get stoned for having a baby out of wedlock?”

Follow Foxy Wine Pocket on Facebook and Twitter. You can also subscribe to my blog and never miss a new post. It’s quick and easy! (That’s what she said.)

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